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THE FEAR, by Leila Samarrai

THE FEAR
By Leila Samarai

Healthy urban man, one of the numerous tenants of the New Building, decided to lose a certain number of kilograms, for it was known that in the newer buildings there was only a certain number of kilograms allowed per floor. The calculator was deciding the correlation with height, to prevent occurrences of dislocation, deviation, turning into men-frogs or spider crabs.

The calculator was clearly showing that he needs to lose 5 kilograms, 2 grams and 10 milligrams. But, in order to lose that alarming number it was necessary to leave the New Building every night exactly at nine o’clock and run the route of five of stations of the forty-two bus then stop in the street which leads to the station of the bus number fifty-nine.

All of these numbers made sense, especially for Pythagoras.

Just as he left the building, Healthy urban man realized that the New Building, even though overpopulated, is flawlessly clean. After he thought about it he realized that he saw the tenants, who lived peaceful and quiet lives, very rarely, except in front of the buildings entry, while they were unlocking the door and after that disappearing down the ghastly empty hallway into unknown directions.

He thought about all of this, Healthy urban man, while he was returning from his jog and unlocking the entry door of the building. The light turned on automatically, welcoming him.

“My life is perfect,” he thought. “Everything slides like down the light…” this one thought, like well-oiled, while caressing the key and gently tracing the lettering on the metal relief.

“Permil by permil.” He thought while climbing step by step.
“Permil then a stair, a stair then the door, key then lock.” he was thinking while inserting the key into the lock.

Then, however, something unexpected happened. He shivered, while his hands shook from fear. The key was stubbornly refusing to open the lock. He was agonized, he tried and tried and finally realized he will have to ask help from his neighbors. He checked the display of his cell-phone. “No, it is far too late.” Besides, they will think he is crazy. They will cuss at him, perhaps even hit him. With fear he looked into the spyhole on the next door.

He was relieved after seeing the number 9.

“That means, that means I’m healthy. “he thought . “And that I merely wandered off in my thoughts, missed my floor. Ha ha ha ,” he laughed with relief. “I was just confused.”
But his brain worked and steamed with a speed of the comet which whipped the dinosaurs: “It looks like I was trying to break in into an apartment. By mistake, ofcourse, but they can accuse me in court. They can move me into the Old Building, with those misfortunates, the hunchbacks of the Silicon valley.” He turned around and smiled like a lucky thief.
When he entered the lucky apartment 13, he went to bed, content.

A few days later, in the apartment number 8, a corpse was found, of an old lady, standing upright. She lived alone, without any kin. It was told that she did not leave her apartment for years , nor received any visitors. Maybe she escaped the Old Buildings and was by mistake given an apartment in the Newbuild. Her stiff mouth was forming the letter ‘O’, as though she is calling someone for help. She was gripping the lock, like she was fighting someone from the other side of the door, a burglar most probably. That is how she died. From fear.

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TELEPHONE, Leila Samarrai

I always loved to be on the phone.
The telephone and the cable wire are like curtains that hide someone’s enormous eyes, a covert that splits the worlds like an old canopy splitting someone’s room. At times the voice from the other side is like song that started suddenly, or perhaps with a pleasant whisper of a ghastly-sweet taste, and sometimes the voice simply trembles. During the conversation, while I am embracing the headphone, comfortably laid on the sofa, relaxed, tucked inside my work cabinet, I find dear those moments when silence shortly breaks through the syllables. Like the interlocutor, the masked actor, hid behind the covert, searching for the text, the lines, by flipping the pages of an invisible script. Voices meander through the wire like the winds scream and rage during the storm. To people like me, who like to be on the phone, a little amount of things remains undiscovered in our daily lives – when the five hours long conversation ends (to which I was prone and for which I was considered a freak) there was little left to be told. . .
I especially loved old phones, those used little, even those half functional. How can I explain it? If I was, with my imagination, discerning through the voice the kind or the monstrous spirit in every living being with whom I would converse, that same imagination discerned me the existence, figuratively speaking, of the unused prints of such melodious, and yet so unloving, parallel world which I felt was hiding behind the clusters of wires. Voices not yet revived, which are yet to rush, buzz, roar and call, which make each nerve in the body shiver. I was attracted by the dark, unexplored worlds in which the strong current of darkness threatens to suck in and pull all of humanity towards the corpses of eons, worlds from within which would breach towards me, protected by the telephone wire, the polyphony of murmurs, screams, roars from the purple mouth of the Dark, the seed that erodes the bowel of life. Did they have faces? Even if they did, those would be dark curves of circles in Nothingness itself.
Those would be screaming, maddened medusas with horse necks and with bodies of the bull. . .
I studied the biographies of those who scratched the disc of Dark, who flipped the pages of the atlas of Death by painting the titans of madness who, hungry for red meat, search and grab, swallow, storm, crush with their feet. Among them were Dario Argento, H. P. Lovecraft, Clive Barker, Salvador Dali, Alexander Graham Bell. . . All, without exception, loved to telephone.
Perhaps all these thoughts were swarming my mind because I was an established painter, always treated with respect and kindness. I did not appreciate it much, because I have, through the dark art of Ernest Sabato, the blind hater, like Huan Pablo Castle, despised the various “professional” painter societies, as well as the words “Eminent” and other academic plagues, events attended by academic monsters. Same was for exhibitions, music festivals. Even for camera concerts. . . The fear unclear, mixed with loathing, was crumbling me, while I, seemingly in one piece, sleek and socially acceptable, was squeezed inside one of those crowds, because there is something inconceivably disgusting in the way the human beings cling, jostle and intimately mingle their voices while attending an exhibition or a book signing, at the same time swallowing the headlines of the hanged paintings with wide eyes, in the ambient of some “in” gallery in town.
Once, during the ceremonial opening of my exhibition The feast at Sipil, where I exhibited at least fifty paintings of a dismembered Pelop, like conspirators, taking both floors of the gallery, all of them the same, ape-like babblers, vermin like rats who gnaw the flesh of their petty interest and plump up, cheerful and hastily, seemingly cultural walking integrals made of blood, meat and malice, were standing before the paintings of the spilled intestines of Tantalus son, with small wrinkles on the foreheads made by being tucked within the depth of meaning, whispering between themselves, while a vivid pain ripped my guts:
„Splendid…“, „A work of mainstream…“or „He hit the form so well on the vein of the pecked liver”.
Tantalus of realism!
Followed by phrases like: bodies dismembered in artistic ways and the transcript of antique nostalgia, I abandoned my own exhibition, called a cab and went home.
Suddenly peaceful, I enter the filled space of the room. My view lands on the telephone over whose dial I softly fly with my eyes. I undress and cover myself with a moss colored blanket. I put the telephone atop my stomach, I close my purple lids, the dream presses me and I fall into the abyss of oblivion free, while a malicious shadow flies out of me.
But, let me say a word or two about myself before that. . . before . . .
Ah, is it even possible something like that even happened?!
It is not widely known that I am a descendent of the knight Ambrose Takach, prince of Budapest, the commander of the austro-hungarian war fleet who was my grandfather’s father, famous for the mass liquidation of Serbs and Jews, after joining of Hungary to Hitler’s regime. His son, and my grandfather, was one of the chetniks of the Nazi regime in Hungary, as well responsible for mass slaughters. Only my father, a Hungarian composer and pianist Frantz Ianosh of Esztergom, a man of visible nobleness of the spirit, cut with that virtue the thread of curse which stretched all the way to Arpadovac, joining the forces of SSSR after the Second World War, entering the coalition government. After the revolution in the year 1956, when after the student demonstrations in front the government building he met my mother, he abandoned politics completely and as one of the 200.000 refuges left Hungary. The remaining part of his life he spent teaching harmony at the Musical conservatorium in Novi Sad, where he himself was born, under the same name as my father.
About the other two, all the documents have been destroyed, as a sign of respect towards my father for his credits earned in Magyar Dolgozók Pártja.
The fact that they have caught my great-grandfather with a girl in his arms under whose throat he held a knife and after which he was treacherously murdered, was also hidden.
My grandfather was caught stealing valuable jewels from a German tank officer and he was executed in 1944. It was said it was a desperate move to pay of his gambling debt. . .
The hid with uttermost care the horrible, dark rituals performed by my family since the times of Arpadovci in the impassable Hungarian forests copulating with ghosts of the Forest and who they were naming Great Elders and for who was told they could summon the Lord of Darkness. With dancing and singing in the name of ghosts, dressed in the fur of the leopard , they would stare into the face of the Forest Colossus offering him a rare specie of an alpinist mammal which reminisced a clumsy rat when he was walking the ground, by biting strongly into the living flesh of the mammal until the blood would shower the face of Gods.
About my father, his penchant for introspection, clumsy perfection, as the body so as the mind, raciness, sharp mindedness and knowledge of the piano skills in that amount that he could perform godly tones on the most rustiest piano, contributed towards him staying a favorite among people until the end of his life. If fame can be passed on through generations, my father certainly made it so, Even though I was perceived as a freak, while I would walk by, they would murmur with respect and heads nodding, leaving behind them an echo:” It is Frantz’s son. Of that famous man.”. My art exhibitions were one of the most visited in the city, and I would often be stopped in the street or the coffee shop where I was often drinking coffee alone (I have always feared people discovering my true origin and I have also been a shy and withdrawn man), and encouraged to go out with them and attend with them some fun nights and entertaining dinners (this was about women and what they can do to a man), to which I would answer with wearing my hat and leaving abruptly with an excuse, leaving them wondering with an open mouth.
Perhaps I was a little bit alike by two ancestors. And the ancestors who danced under the reflection of the dark fire that illuminated the darkness of the historical Forests for which they claimed vanished centuries behind. . . In the ghastly forests the pagan gods lived tho whom my ancestors bowed to during their bloody historical voyage. Their meetings were woven with horrible rituals performed in magnificent temples built on the outskirts of the mysterious oak forests of the Hungarian mountains. Dedicated to the wiccans and the undead, on the slopes the pierced the grounds, like forks into soft meat, with bronze statues dedicated to the God Cernnunos and other mystical deities, statues chiseled like phoenixes outstretching far above the tips of malicious temples.
But, the nobleness and the horror were connected by, inconceivably, one thing. Absolutely and unchangeable, like time. Perhaps the primal vein through which a seed of cursed blood passed, vein as fat as the cable of my telephone, through which perhaps flows blood, and not the electrical signals – I thought suddenly. It was a vintage, black phone, as lonely as the creature of the past ages in his final destination of the morgue, lasting as a dream of a dead man, for it was in the family collection for at least two centuries since the moment in which, dear readers, I am writing this to you and unskillfully transmit, while words persecute me. Passed on through generations, it has traveled, from the table of my evil great-grandfather to my even worse grandfather, so my father, the hero of SSSR who finally confronted the patrons of the same in the famous revolution and who died by losing his both legs while fishing with explosives, given it to his son who carried the heritage of his demonic ancestors in his genes.
I was not dong anything out of the ordinary on that day. I was painting. Nearly arranged canvases to which I would toss my view on occasion were decorating the corner of my room. They were painted with various motives: the Iron Man, the cog of the science fiction machine of the future, falling out of his cockpit of the mighty starship of civilization 4 that circled the galaxy until it crashed for inexplicable reasons into the Kalahari desert. Among them was the used Medusa, as well as the satirical painting Belobog proposes to the Boogey, with her scary face and open jaws with no teeth. Even though Belobog is in love with her, knowing is not vile, she frightens him by making him believe she wishes to be cheated on. Hercules, of strong chest and muscled arms, embracing his lover Jolaj, Hercules searching for Persephone, Hercules versus the giants, even a portrait of Julius Cesar, the brilliant roman commander to whom I have unusually admired – besides that I could not resist paining my vision of the battle at Farsala, where undoubtedly on Cesar’s side I shown Pompey’s troops to ride donkeys. Pompey had the head of a mule which came to be by crossing the Pompey optimate, who once led the main word in the Senate, and Pompey, a simple plebe by birth.
I worked with devotion, tossing the colors to the canvas, adjusting the beret which I, a little bit out of joke, a little bit out of respect for Mone, wore alongside the assemble of colors I used to decorate the canvas. This painting I envisioned as the crown of my work. History, mythology, astro-science, merged together by unique archetypal expression, with striking color schemes about which the others only dreamed. I was immodest and irritably officious! I was mostly officious to myself.
After I finish Black Fairies, how I titled the painting, I decided I shall lay low, paint for my own soul. . . When, the phone rang. I put off the peg unwillingly. I have just captured the moment in which the shy Dryad , after discovering a mighty spaceship in the gorge habited by the Black Fairies, she sees one of them, completely naked, while her face is drenched in water because an erotic desire spread through them. Sister Dryads desperatel extend their hands towards her, begging her to return, while the cruel Fairy, with sensual lips and heavy moaning, a voice as sweet as honey, invites her to her cosmic ship to try the fruits of forbidden passion. . . Should I be interrupted now while I pour her face on the canvas PR Dokovic must have already explained to the Corveta museums director why I have so abruptly left the exhibition. Like crazed! Well, he must have had to make an urgent call!- I could hear the witty explanations of Dokovic in the sense of skillfully passing the ball into the opponent’s yard, the eternal undefeatable forehand, in which he was more skilled than the famous tennis player. What does he want from me now? I tossed the rag doused with thinner over the palette, mixing the carefully separated Russian white with the others, and ruining it!
– Ah, to Hell! – and with the dirty hands of the artist I grabbed the black telephone, soiling it with color. . .
– All right Dokovic, I know you are entertained by the looks on Katanic’s face, or the Zlobiberovic’s one, but must I. . .
I was interrupted by a shrieking voice, which could very well belong to a drowning man calling for salvation. Hysterical, sharp, demanding with a note of mocking.
– What’s happening with the Dryads? They want a bit of passion too? And about Hercules, you could’ve painted an orgy scene for the visitors of the exhibition. Him, Jolaj, and Megara, who should actually turn out only as Megara, no donkey allusion, oh no, that continuum of linguistics is highly unnecessary! You donkey! What kind of a damn cockpit you are painting that is yet to be entered by a masked science fiction Aphrodite! That one will be the first one to fly towards the handsome Cockpittians! Cosmic love is at stake, is it? And that Ironman of yours, he must be rusty already! Alas, worry not, I will now correct all your mess. Look now how the paintings are beautiful. Turn around, son of gods! The Portrait of Boogey Gray!
– Who is this making a joke? – I roared.
– Have you found your expression yet, painter man? And one not thought of before, like you did!– a chilling laughter rang while my body shivered.
– How… Can I hesitate after this? To turn around O, yes. And I will see there is nothing there. Nothing, but the closure of the joke by an anonymous bastard. I turned around with force and with a wild expression on my face, I took a second look. . . The paintings changed!
Frightened to the brink of madness, I dropped the telephone, but it was still loud in my ears. It was a horrifying, inhuman laughter coming from the telephone not yet closed, which like a hanged man hanged on the wire.
I had a sight to see. The view was a thrilling, diabolical blow, an illustration of horror itself, a dreary encounter with a supernatural jest.
I saw, with a proud full – horrified posture of the creepy old woman with a horn on her head, an expression of defying dignity It was the Boogey in a fancy suit, worn by the pretentious Dorian Gray in Wild’s novel.
The phone rang, even though it was not yet closed from the previous call..
I grabbed it with the speed of a devil in run..
– How do you like my handy work? And you should see her when she was not sinful. Young and beautiful, all teeth in pla…
– Stop! Who are you and what d you want from me? How are you doing this?
– How? Well I paint, a little, when bored. I sing too. Tenor, Pavarotti told me from the grave. But, the drama one, not the lyrical one! By the way, I thought of enriching your dilettante work with one more tinsy-tiny detail. Tzap, poof, abracadabra, doo! Look now! – the Telephone smiled.
Am I crazy? And how can a man get crazy, all of a sudden? I was not even melancholic or in a bad mood like I usually am… Perhaps that is the reason!
I turned around obediently, like a man on his death bad who is at peace with the inevitable..
Boogey was in the same position, but the painting was once again changed. She was now on the phone.
– She is talking to her best friend, Baba Yaga. They go on for hours – the Telephone was explaining to me in a most serious tone, almost filled with respect towards its masterpiece of horror.
– Mhm-mhm… yes, that expression… yes, now a little bit of the Indonesian style, he-he… – no, don’t turn around just yet, I have to center it better. I recommend you „olio di papavero“. When you are capturing a detail such as this, you can’t do well without Italians, although it is not the pure Italian oil . It is not even from flax!
– What is it then? What are you talking about, man?
– Man? Do not insult me, Ferentz. I will get mad and I will no longer talk to you, nor will I show you how to paint.
– But, I do not need your help, nor do I want to talk to you.
– Neither do I.
– Why are you calling me then?
I came to peace with the madness taking me under its wing. I was consoling myself that it must be because of the toxic fumes of the thinner, The hallucinations will pass in a few hours, They say Francisco Goya experienced the same thing while he was cutting the ear. . .
– You have only one assignement, Hercules, and I will leave you alone. Be blessed! Hercules had 12!
– What do I need to do?
– To bring me back Persephone from Hades. My dead darling. To her I want to phone, like before, when we lived with your Nazi grandpa.
I have gone mute. It is an intelligence officer who must have got his hands on the documents I thought were destroyed. It was probably a blackmail. What is it that he wants?
– How much money? – I asked calmly. All of it that was within the borders of the human mind was not foreign to me, although I was confused by the mysterious method by which this militant was altering my paintings. Perhaps he had someone else in the room. An accomplice! While I talk with my backs turned to it, the accomplice who is hiding in the closed on which my paintings are leaning, comes our and replaces the canvases. But, would I not hear that? No! They are counting on my fear, my bewilderment from fear, when the senses are dull. Besides, it must be BIA or CIA, they are highly trained, this is nothing for them.
– I feel no guilt, nor do I consider to have anything in common with the great-grandfather who did evil. My name is Frantz, not Ferentz – I hung up the phone.
I approached the closet with determination and opened it. There was nobody inside. O, those bastards are truly skillful.
Although shaken to my core, I returned to my work. I had an unusual passion towards painting with the Flemish technique. They spoke of my colors as if they were magic, the secret of the master trade which I kept solely to myself, What do they want? The painting is gone! There is no more Frantz. There is no Ferentz. Bastards, why do they not leave us alone. It is CIA, understandably. That is the purpose, a turmoil of fear, followed by catharsis. They are giving up. But maybe they have placed on every spot the living eye of the camera to study my every move, at least until they finish the investigation. The apartment should be cleansed from spy satellites. Immediately!
I was a passionate lover of baseball, so this rude joke reminded me of the offence of the guest team. Unprepared, I was not wearing gloves, and I was not in the phase of offence, for I was not even participating in the game. But, I will change by bad tactic. I will run all four home bases, by using their lack of attention in the defense. I was certain I will find various devices that CIA uses for tracking and eavesdropping. With the speed of the baseball player I was winning the bases one by one, until I was interrupted in my senseless search through the apartment by the dreadful ringing.
– „Force play“! – he laughed harshly. That is when I screeched..
Beaten by the magic of these CIA ghosts, I stared off into the distant, chosen spot like a catatonic man, while the Telephone laughed loudly.
– Come on Frantz, snap out of it, look at your Black Fairies. Perhaps I am a little pushy, I know, but how else can I make you do what I ask you to do? I don’t know how to do it slowly. I don’t think you are a bad guy. . .
I firly decided not to look around, while I sat on the floor dirty from colors. I observed the pulsing veins of my hands, visualizing the razor which would lightly slide inside its lively depth. I saw them open and I saw ponds flowing from within them, mixed with Russian white color, and Russians and veincutters don’t save on the pigment.
But, If Frantz shall not come to the Black Fairies, the Black Fairies will then come to Frantz.
– Black Fairies. What a stupid name! Like you are talking about lawn mowers! Is it some theme from the agricultural life? Not that I have anything against reaping or pricking the hay with the pitchfork, and black one too, besides the so fine Russian, white, oily. But, you are a bourgeois, descendant of Arpad. Frantz, you are no host, you have not even offered me with a cup of coffee. And we drank the coffee from the thermos. Unbelievable! Back then! Like in Picnic on the Hanging Rock! Or was that tea. . .
All of a sudden, it was like some woman stood before me, but it was not a woman, but the painting came alive. Boogey, in dandy clothes, walked up and down the canvas, while bloody shadows danced around her.
– Watch my children, Yaga, while I am in the portrait. I do not care! Switch to vegans. Do not dare touch my children!
And following her, the glorious Caesar telephoning with the same damn, black telephone while gambling with Titus Labienus – ALEVA KRATKA JEST! Brutus, I have nothing against the Republic, but you must also think of those less fortunate than ourselves! Give my greetings to Servillia! Where were we, Labienus?!
Only to be followed by an appearance of the third in which two nymphs were caressing each other, but each in her own corner of the canvas. While telephoning to each other, they were self-pleasuring themselves in loneliness.
– Dri, you excite me so, dear!
– By Aphrodite, when you talk like that, you awake the fire in me. I am all burning!
– There – concludes the Telephone – this is what you should exhibit. Masterpiece par excellence!
I nod my head and I fainted. Telephone burst out laughing and hung up.
That is when I dreamed a dream in which he told me his tragic tale.
This is what happened, and what unbelievable history I heard from the hellish Telephone, of course, by picking up to stop the senseless ringing, with the number pad sparking, in the deaf time of the night, while thunders were burning the sky for it was a storm outside. . .
I picked this misfortunate hour for my vengeance, when the sky is bloated with gray clouds, and the rain does not drip drops, but bubbles like cursed membranes!
He coughed, and that sound was alike giggling of the piped of the radiator vent and the sizzling of the fortron power adapter.
– This is how it happened…
– How?
– Well, like this: Five kilometers away from Salgotarjan, under the wooded Cerhat mountain, beside the shore of river Ipelj, that twists through Nograd, my darling and I were bathing under the sun, under the beautiful summits of naked Hungarian mountains overlooking the river and our wetted bodies. The forests of Nograd, under the tooth of mountain, squeezing the juice. Threatening cliffs woven with deciduous forests crokked over our Eden.
– Eden?
– Yes, painter! May your coloring book be golden! Smearer! House-painter, dyer!
– Don’t insult me!
– Shut up Zoltan!
– I am not Zoltan, I am Diš Piš.
– Zoltan, you mason! The rotary of buncerberger order with no coming, hear and take the unknown history even by the Black Pope, when it is so solemnly given to your ears.
We ate the malt of Salgotarjan from the baskets full of oranges, my darling Isabel and I.
– Telephone-lady?
– Only while it rings. At night, when the moon warms, she turns into a winged girl.
– Were you not on Salgotarjan during the day?
– But it was a vampire day. The primal templars shone their reflectors upon us, from the casket of Oath which they carried over from Ethiopia, for from within it the bones of Arthur, the Celtic Brit, screamed from heat. He rises at midnight and walkes around with the Holy Grail in his hands, cursing Dan Brown and Geneviev. The watched us from the round table while voting how to bring queen Geneviev to life, and my love, the immortal Ilona,. . ah. . . Elbowed on the round table they spun their swords, turning their heads sideways, as to look at her better from all sides. Then upon the river shore a heavy cavalry and three hundred peasants with Excalibur stormed, and the fangs . . . click click click! I have not seen her since than, she merely calls me from Avalon.
– What connection do I have with the Rotery masonry and primal templars? Why are you hunting me?
– Because your grandfather was the marshal responsible for the sacrificial ritual, weapons and horses, as well as for the orchestrated centers of power of the hellish music players! Your chevalier pored my Ilona to the altar, and took the remains to Avalon on black horses. Before that, he cut her wings and pushed a stone from the Wall of Wails into her mouth. Since then, there hollows a hole in the Holy city and no brick or stone can fill it. Except for the painted woman on the Wall of Wails, a sound isolator was built into the stone wall, to silence the cries! .
Look, really, what am I to do with myself? Where? Towards? How to escape this hellish Telephone?
It is the mind toying with me. The illusion of horror swims out, bowing my pulsing forehead. Maybe this is too much. It is not easy for me. I am under pressure. Everything can be rationally explained. I do not want to became like those guys, the anonymous addicts of black phones. And so I chastised myself for my superstition.
– I took all of this far too seriously..
Brener. Brener will fix all of this, this absence of reason. Or, even better, the cistern – The thought about the telephone being sucked in into the toilet, by the elegant pull of the water cistern’s string, like a boat sinking into the inexorable sea, developing the mind like a roll of “film noir” (as black as the damned phone).
He is watching me!
On him, apparently, there is nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps he spoke by accident?
The tiny veins of my mind in my head made a Gordi’s knot. All of it is delirium. All of it is to be buried in the depth, silence and darkness, into the dreamy eternity of death.
In the evening, around eight o’clock, I rushed towards the phone cable with the desire to end my misery. I ate two slices of pizza from the local bakery and like a condemned man, I prepared for my death. I wore my grandfathers war vest, my great-grandfather’s dandy coat and half-cylinder and my great-grandfather’s father’s shoes laced with camel hair. Because, the telephone, eternal as the dream of a dead man, was passed on through generation from my great-grandfather to my grandfather until my father, the war hero, who lost both of his legs while fishing with explosives, gave it to me.
Out of the blue, the cable whipped my back, like I was a horse. I realized: I have awakened the ghosts from the Forest of Shadows where the brother of my great-grandfather’s father hid the remains of the magical Telephone-lady, the true bride of Dracula, who was dieing of old age.
– I was a newer model. Yet I loved her – the magical Telephone spoke..
– Go into the Forest of Shadows, dig up my beloved, call somebody from Telecom to connect us digitally, so we may exchange our signals to eternity – thus spoke the enamored Telephone
– Your screw trew drew great-grandfather was warned. He hired a coachman that stormy night, the coachman was whipping the horses far worse than the pale man from Nosferatu. The horse stopped two hundred meters from the forest and began to whine. It cannot be went further.
– On foot from here, sit. You woke the ghosts.
And the coachman flew into darkness. Your ancestor was left alone.
– The Forest of Shadows.. What lunacy. Superstition of peasants. I am not afraid of specters, of those I made for my myself. I am the sculptor of my curse, my destiny. Everything is in my hands – I was comforting myself.
Besides, what can a Telephone do to me?!
Those are devices which can be assembled after they are broken. Yes, yes, like in life. Again. . . again. . . Where is this philosophy coming from? I am tired. I am in the dark.
– I will light your way – said the Telephone and enflamed himself. I screamed and closed myself in the bathroom. It was dark, for the light bulb was broken inside..
My thoughts were like an instrument badly tuned which gave of tones more resembling the heaving of a well paid slut, than those of a well composed harmony. . .
It felt like nobody was behind the door. Complete silence, until… slowly the Telephone crawled out of the toilet and head towards me, while cables flew like unseamed gray hairs…
I realized I was whimpering. Inconsolably. It is over the image that was invading me was overcoming me, my face was numb, my hands lost all power. .
I waved my hand: It will pass. Tiredness. Maybe not even that. A mere caprice of the mind. Fear of the dark. But, the force of death stepped out of the toilet, from its depth where nothing but blackness exists, the undeniable end of the road. Yes, he is near. . .
I ran through rooms, not finding an exit. At the end, I closed myself in a tight, small room. One by one, all light bulbs snapped. A beastly growling was thundering from the dark. I Zoltan and so on, lover of telephones, surrounded and alone, have barricaded myself. Should I call for help? That would, in any case, mean I would have to make a phone call!
– I am not afraid of you, Telephone! I am not afraid. I have a hammer and a brener.
(Run away as far as possible. Maybe to Tasmania.)
Tired, I laid on the wide ottoman and hugged a pillow. I lit a candle.
How scary it is inside here, in this dark. It is very cold. I rubbed my hands to warm myself and from within the drawer of the night-stand I took out the godly magnum. . .
But, the darkness would not be darkness if it would not birth the soft, pulsing shrieks.
– Good evening – spoke someone in the corner of the room. I screamed: Aaaaaa!
– Who is that?
– It’s me. Your Telephone. You can call me Mister Bell.
I pointed the pistol into the thick darkness – my eyes got accustomed to it in the meantime. The room was illuminated by the light of the candle. I thought I saw a shadow flying past. Ah, there he is! On the bed, next to it! Watching me. And grinning. I pointed the magnum into the darkness tingling with the soft light. The chair which was supposed to have a man sitting on it was empty.
I spun like a whirling around the small room, half-insane, with a gun in hand, firing shots while the volcano danced around, releasing joyful screams. The force spun me so strongly that for a while I was pinning around all points, the X one, but as well the Y and the Z ones, until I felt something invading my head, the pain, the long ago pain perhaps with which I was mustering the strength to explain my numerous friends that I am more of a “telephone type”. Now I knew that the Telephone was subconsciously sending me obscene messages, in order to fulfill his vengeance – the great-grandfather who broke the Telephone bride “accidentally” fell of a horse. He did not survive the fall. My ancestors all died with a chilling, unexplainable death, suddenly, one of them even while in a passionate embrace of a courtesan – He had a heart attack from excitement – the gentlemen told. That lady also loved to telephone. It was told Alexander Graham Bell was one of her orderly customers.
– Inbreed! – I growled towards the telephone while madness sparked from my eyes.
– It is not my fault. I will buy you a pink telephone to keep you company! – I moaned.
– Hm-hm-hm… – the specter was changing places, from one shadow into the other, so that „hm-hm“ finaly canonized together with the ghastly laughter. I have more felt than saw the cable that like a whip whipped the worn floor of the room. Something on the floor appeared and it looked like blood.
It looked like to me as I was seeing a trace of a female foot walking the room. The roared, the uncompromised hammers of revenge.
With my last flinches, I fired a shot into one corner of the room. The bullet only startled the rocks in the wall and stuck inside like a gluttonous, determined thought of me-the-insane.
I was tortured by that ghastly ventriloquist, maddened me to death, acting slowly like a poison that got his hands on my mind.
– You have to hurry up with the decision – Telephone spoke mercifully. – Shall we dig her out together or…?
Of course, you will live with us and pay the phone bill each month. And then we will find you friend to who you can telephone to. Oh, you cannot even imagine what kind of conversations is awaiting you . . . ones of multiple hours. . .
And I understood. I heard the growling, wild voiced of my ancestors, murderers, thieves, gamblers (it was told also that my great great great great-grandfather was the brother of Dorian Gray’s uncle, for who the generations of school kids believe was a fictional character, thanks to the skillful propaganda of the French novelists who still remember the one hundred year war).
I saw the faces of the past that flew above, whose voices come to me from Samara’s well and twist through the black veins of the torturer, the creatures I belonged to and to whom I will always belong to, with them together, I. . . will continue to grow and rot, forever separated from the knotty womb of all that is human, never again in the routine of existence, a marionette who will be etched by the ghosts in their hands and blind to never see the day and night again with the mute stars.
A sound alike a scream spilled through my skull and that is when I saw myself – under the light of a waning candle, my extinguished eyes. A shadow in a gray hoodie towered above me. Evil tears spilled from my eyes after knowing all is well.
The demon told me something. It was a thought that cut through air, after being spoken. Or everything got mixed, and I heard a word, followed by the thought. All I know is that the unreal, maddened eyes (whether mine or of the Creature) sow fear followed by a raging disease and death!
– Everything is all right, Zoltan, or how hmm was it… – he felt the cold touch of the telephone cable. He turned around, grabbed him savagely and choked him with the telephone wire.
The hero of this story, with a thousand names and in the advanced stadium of madness, during the two days he spent in Senburn, tore out at least two, tightened with strong belts, straight-jackets. He was finally saved, thanks to the mysterious call from the house of this incurable, violent madman.
– Cursed inbreed! He phoned to the Ambulance just to torture me! Aha! Just so you know I will not carry a singing shovel for your darling, you will have to dig her out yourself!
– Who are you talking about, sir? Who phoned? You live alone, Your neighbors … We have information that you do not leave your house for years, that you only talk with the trained androids of Telecom. Did you not, after so many years, not even drink a coffee with any of them?
– You! Rotarian! King Arthur, ha-ha-ha! How so! Telephone! He phoned the ambulance to save me!
The doctor gazed into the distant, blue clouds. The day was coloring itself the colors of the evening. The changing of the seasons was at the horizon.
He felt a stinging pain in his stomach – like it was being pressed by a flaming egg. During his twenty year long practice, he truly sympathized with his patients, especially the lost cases. He opened his notes and wrote in the final verdict:” He does not see the body, but he hears the voice. May the Lord have mercy on his poor, over stimulated psyche”.
– No doctor, the madman do not go to Heaven – he got startled by the deranged madman who right lip was twitching to the side.
He hesitated for a moment. During his practice, he realized that the misfortunate, lonely people, forever trapped within the world of obscene hallucinations, develop some sort of telepathy with those who treat them – those are, like ticking of the clock, painful blows within their heads. Whispers, demonic whispers. . .
– Sir, it is impossible that happened. Intrigued by Your story, I made sure to order a thorough examination of the telephone. A weird model, I must admit. . . 1866. . .It honestly intrigued me. . . But, that which removes all doubt. . .
– What? What? How did He trick you? Oh, that sleezy…
– Sir, the telephone was not at all connected into the wall, it in fact. . . does not even operate on electricity. . . and the dial is missing. . . you know. . .
The last scream broke through Senburn. I died three months later. My last words were:” Give me back my cable, doctor”.

 

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RIDER, Leila Samarrai

(I) Not a man, merely a warning to others.

Rider in eternity
In holy day of the paunch
The trample of the horse on trail leads the reprobate to the gates of the black Castle
In the entourage of the greedy, debauchee, gamblers
(steeped are all of his pockets)
the lock clicks and closes like a roomette of the sarcophagus

I am not a man, merely a warning to others.
Blood of the rider on the sorrel horse decants down the eyes of the sword.
Draw your courage.
Skeleton leaks from the paunch
Down valves of thirsty purple, cold sun

For madman who surfeit gnawed naked trees.
„Provision of wheat for a groat, three provisions of barley for a groat, and oil and wine there won’t be.”

I am not a man, merely a warning to others,
Swollen from anger and cry,
With eyes the color of swamp
Wizened body…

Inflamed are the furies
(Heracles , here is fire!)
minds are fed with hunger
(death with no hurry)

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IN THE AGE OF FALSE TONGUE, Leila Samarrai

IN THE AGE OF FALSE TONGUE

Оh, stupidity, how many mouths have you fed
And how many masks sweetened!
How many spirits barred with rusty taste.

To know false flattery,
To smell infertile life;
Mirrors to the wolf
Galleys on lies, in trance.

But I know that naked truth is a dressed lie,
Magnificent urge watching the ruins.

In the age of false tongue
Without weapons and prow
I cannot conquer the world with symbols of certainty.

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I AM NOT REALLY FROM AROUND HERE, Leila Samarrai

I AM NOT REALLY FROM AROUND HERE

I no longer even know what you asked me
Nevertheless, ask. As you please!
Through freedom
Devours the spiteful intellect
In the rattle we become humans
„How are your sneakers?!”
I have dark ones.
And capricious!
and (rarely) passionate.
All of them!
Highly unfavorable!
But,
Where did you get
That I am selling My Sneakers?
Why are you looking at sneakers?
Should I
Go barefoot up the steep thorn?
There is something overwhelmingly ridiculous in suffering,
There is something overwhelmingly seducing in losing
Therefore – I gift away!
Nobody controls the windmills.
(Maybe…)
Laughter? Or….
It is me
barefoot
perched in remembrance.

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NUMBER, Leila Samarrai

NUMBER

In the beginning there was a number and it created harmony
Compacted into 10 heavenly veins.

To him the music – owes.
To him – love owes.
To him – the truth owes.
Beauty? Yes!
Each idol in the head– to him the Holy owes.

The Number feeds the Ethiopian children with monads in the midst of Green Africa
Cele-kula (this you must have known!) is built of Numbers,
It is rolled by children down elysian fields of the Righteous

Number rules as well over the body of Osiris,
The Number testified about remaining loaves
On the bodies of hunchbacks and the poor
Which like dark figures of Calais await the whirlwind of Justice
To banish them from the asylum of Doubt.

Number knows of tomorrows and of yesterdays
Number knows who you are, and who am I.

The Number traverses the army of armies of Amen of Libya
While the sheep bleat and search for wolves.

The army hesitates
And swimmers hesitate
Оh, my geometric sea.

THE CHOIR OF IDEALISTS:

О, Pythagorean triad, show yourself!
Who are you?
What are you?
Have you impoverished for us?
Have you thrown away all your mo – Hopes?

NUMBER:

I came to you as a golden calf and you did not recognize me!
There would be no Hymns of the Nile without – Number,
The Colossus of Rhodes would not be without– Number,
Spartacus, yet him, Liberal, not without the – number!

A number, it is the bald, mad poets
And cotter bolts!
Silly, mad, those crazier, the craziest and… Preludes!

Number – arose from Earth for Saturn.
Fell from heavens for Thoth.

CHOIR OF MATERIALISTS:

Take us to the Grand Cut – to tailor holy dresses the day before the Holy day:
For emperors, and their wet nurses
Once again for wet nurses
For shahs , patricians,
Eagles of gold, aghas, tarragons
And other Proposers?

Number – it is harmony, king and cage for verses.
Even some Jacobite is a Number – scarecrow for the Girondist.
And pipsqueak, of course, Antic C. Ма(n)sоn from feces of the Greek revolution.

Number, those are all beginnings
And causes
The golden section of time in caves
With Metempsychosis.

Number, those are all rejected kisses,
Number – measure of doubtfulness and laughter of the insane paladin,
A tucked in courtesan.

Go to the temple of Eros so they shoot an arrow to your chest.
Let all Lunacies fall in love with you
And lunacy enamored to create itself anew within you

And crazy Eros will look at you
Will take out the heart from the womb of the ideal Semele
Shot, walk down the shores of the Peruvian sea
That is how freedom from the Number is deceitfully summed!

Do not envision the Number divided (do not even think about a fraction)
Remember the ten, with a laugh.

That is how Pythagoras counted as well
1
2
3
4
Counted all the way to ten

Ten shoes
And ten shores
And ten dreams
And ten bridges
And ten lunatics

– Pythagoras finishes;
Forbidden to dip horse bean into the number.

I am Etalides and I have been in… in… plants.
I am Pyrrhus and I sojourned inside the rotten womb of gluttonous emperors.
I am Euphorb and I blinded Homer
Because into the Number much like the Sun you cannot gaze long.

I murdered Achilles,
Tarried within Paris,
I cannot claim I have not within you as well.

And the divers keenly look for him,
Beneath the surface are the sunken ships

Carcasses of Hyperborea
Colonnade of martyrs
Silenced witnesses.

„The Number, those are all heavens” – calculated Pythagoras
and discovered the golden thigh in the Theater.

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DRIPPING WINDMILLS, Leila Samarrai

DRIPPING WINDMILLS

Snatch your mind from the clutches of the wolves
That have been observing and watching you
And fasten it with quiet dignity
Snatch it with a torrent of your body
Then wipe the sweat off your brow
While the beasts lure away
And may it be your last address
Your last stronghold before the voices of the buffoons
That boom at first
To make a pharynx out of your ears
So they could vomit cozily and instinctively
All over you
While glorifying the spiteful noise of theirs
And bursting with exultation
Herds of pigs look forward to your fall
But you just mute the miserable noise
Of their shameful fermentation
With no laughter appease those who’d like to
Sit on your head
Who would snarl then
Shamelessly accepting
The last cadaver out of the darkness
May the redness of a total autumn flood you
Of an autumn tearful and adored
Confronted in the dusk with the secrets of shadows
And then all will pass
Just take a little breath of fresh air
And rip out their Secret with your ears.
Let them scream
Helpless and empty
Finally.
And while they’re grabbing you
You break loose with your teeth
With your nails
And you foam and keep on pushing them
With your elbows
With all this stuff
Past and future
For the sake of your time that is arriving
And overcoming them
Your deed will extol you
Like a spark of kindling wood
Which haunts the serpents tails
When driest is your mouth
And thirst torments you
And you’re starving
It’s them
Them who
Brooding over your head
Await the last wind that will
Bring the cry out of your throat
And they’ll feast then
Peacefully and self-admiringly
Over your carrion
Don’t you let them do that.
Instead, quarter their bull heads
Make them fly away
Let them merge with that
Treasonous air
Oh, did they sway you once
Upon a time
While you languished in hopelessness
While heart of yours was starless
Then, when you suffered
Assigning them your word
At their mouths you looked
And you shrieked and teetered
Consumed by hangover
And they plowed your throat while
Their unskilled hands chanted hollowly
Writing lyrics with your own blood
Never let them do that again
You just silence that greedy mob of pigs
Which calls itself a pack
Mountain wolves they call themselves
And for your glory of tomorrow
After all the hushed-up vileness
The One that never dies will take care of
The One that resides in your deed
Like a chaste bride
For tomorrow you will live forever
And a fog will devour the bulls
The burden of time will blow to smithereens
All those thieves anchors and gory pits
Those growing arms that are grabbing your sleeve
And pulling you
Browsing the back on which youre laying
Coiled and voiceless
Time will doom them
With your new verses
It will write on the crown of their heads
And point a finger right in their eye
Because they should have never
Attacked a dragon
Those shameless plucked eagles
And the living fire of your proud spirit
Will swallow them with all their
Confidence
While you climb in the solitude of prayer
Reaching the uttermost cognition
God Himself will save you from the evildoers
Ill-fated hearts
Don’t you shed a single tear
Don’t let a sound escape from your lips
Rejoice because you’re a poet
And Gods inspired you for eternity
You will live when there’s no more roars
And in the darkest night you will live
And you will breath peacefully
And you will love.

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I – MESSALINE, Leila Samarrai

I – MESSALINE

Cynical yellow thunder tears with rays
The parching earth – dry and infertile

I – Messaline!
Declare war to all the barren blacks
Who do not birth!
I summon Poseidon to impregnate
My mortal body with immortal progeny!
I summon the Heavens to bow down to my tentacles
Folded into a clenched fist!
I curse all the virgins racked by my woe
Fall to your knees before the filthy breed!
Beg to be fertilized by their pagan ritual!
Kiss their wounded feet
Like you will kiss your children!
Beg for one more drop of life
Which will violate your dishonorable body!
I – Messaline!
I am fire above all fire!
An untouched flower of the Sultan’s garden
The scepter in the hand of the powerless king
Cleopatra’s pyramid sank into mud
The carnival of appetence without masque
Twilight that dawns on an intact hip
The lust of Eve in the boring Eden
The forest unbathed by an ocean of blood
An unhealed wound beneath the hot navel
The unpierced rib in the deciding battle
A lonely nest devoid of it’s eagle.

Translated Into English: Mirjana M. Inalman

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THE ROAD, Leila Samarrai

1.

My distant seas
Flooded the land
In the night.
My bright fires
Smell burned nostrils.
Pain.
Distorted are
The kisses.
My warm dreams
Frosted by
Extinct stars
And oaths
Which only the constellations
understand.
There they are
Like curses.
The thief took away the peace
Kept in a vortex ‘till then.
Frozen reflections sleep
Vanished flowers
Through irony
Heal hell.

2.
The wounds elicited hopes
To
Exhausted
stranded
onto the rocks of ancient seas
bring peace to the castaway.
They prolonged the eternal day
To one more wrathful hour.

3.
Have you not been brought by the departed
into dark regions
by the narrowness of heart?
Eat your own heart.
Let snow cover it.
The sight and breath return
After the strike of the matured essence.
Let Truth become essence to you
The quest
Pretty fresco carved
By the eye of the stern
Iced
Sun.

4.
Look how they drink wine
And make merry with thorns
They feed the fish
On the river Jordan.
They gather them with a hat
Quickly serve them
Even faster gnawed
They throw them back to the water
And croak to the moon
Into the mum day.
They followed the tail of the star
To see her head
Embryos of the entirety
To remove.
In hands they carry gold,
Hear where they say:
From spirit the emerald was born.

5.
Mystics listen to her
Cynics vomit her
Midwives truth-birth her
And since always
Welcome her on hands
That insidious trash
To fill their pitchers
With her feces.
Born from the spirit of pride
From the spleen of law
From the blood of forefathers
From the womb of lies
From seventy seven
Forgiveness
The fools loved her
Saints like a knick – knack
Showed her on the fair
Liars about her
Sexually fantasized
Ecce veritas
Spends her life next to Dionysius ,
Bloodless turkey cocks and donkeys
Smell her sacred beak.
Crowned with laurels
Permeated with boredom
In the tasteful asylum
And she sings in blood
To dampened strings
While watching her reflection
In the lavatory of Hades
Remembers
Progenitrix
Now already an aging whore
Arose from the dream
To maintain the dream.

6.
From the cold
in the bones
in the cold
to the bones
where have you
banished
Your brother Cain
And them?
Will they die?
From the ice
Under bones
Will they drop dead?
By sheet
Of winter
In the bones
All those who
On Good Friday
Got some kind of
Shoes
To walk the earth;
The dream extracted from my eye.

7.
Mister,
In the polished macrocosm
Cleansed from the dirty
The poor and the ugly
May my prayer
Rip your moment of peace.

8.
I live in peregrine flesh
I think in a peregrine head
I don’t want to be stultified!
(Apparition!
Why you write so loud?)
I have been cured
To perversity

9.

I believe in craziness
In the seed of furore
Like Chateaubriand
Which confides into the power
Of Borodin sun
I believe in scum
Sideway spheres
Cuckoo eggs
Saint Ignatius cantinier
I am
The snack of lions
Holy Trinity
And drunken senate-crown
In poison-(mis)ery
I swear
To senex
Which catches up with youth
Princeps of principibus
Thrown into the arena
Sown with sandals
Of devoured magistrates
The fruit of time lowers by the sky
My bones beside the son
The second son
Of Urbin
It is a cowardly
graveyard
Since then I circle
With white dogs
Through haze
Upon shores.

10.
Pierced by sound
Wave the forks
With the mute ear
Hunt the landloper
Broken by a blackguard
The tempest rushes towards wrath
Silence and bones
Of some ancient springhead
Springhead through bodies.

11.
He dies in words
The man who writes.
Drowned fish slide
Down bloodied carousel
Unconscious eyes
The man writes
Dives like a bird
For a sonata
Drowned in the fountain
The passerby in water
With unmoving feet
And he and her
And us and you
Head to the clouds
The harvest sown
In the iris
They quest for a vision
She shapes in a poem
The bloody thirst
Bitterness mocks her
They pass dipped
In icy bathrooms
Through peaceful centuries
You know well
Who writes
About the luster of infinity
Or nothingness
It is equal
In vain.

12.

Hunchbacks
With a cloud on their back
Butcher clowns
Villains
Regana’s daughters
Who hate my day
And all my mornings
Born from the wound
Of glistening narcissuses
Litter of Lucrecia
You exchanged venoms
Compressed into pitchers
In grinds sweetly
To stain the knife
With ancient cause
It is the artist osculating
He butchered the night
Of silence
And hush
But I will further hear
The eternal echo of my death.

13.
In the hour of celebrated departure
The warriors slumbered.
They breathe out under banners
And bloom in the hollow.
Flowers separate them.
Or are those
Intersected roads ,
Nemesis,
Time fell asleep
In ambiguities.

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THE LOVE THAT NEVER DIES, Leila Samarrai

Breath in
Breath out
Breath in
A corpse never dies

A wassail around the grave
Of the Russian mystic
Lunacy crucified in his eye

He walks around in a black robe
On a graveyard
That did not cry
On which I listened to yelling and screamed
Sensitively gentle and superior

My blindness,
Merciful death
Put me away into wilted flowers
So I repose there
Already my corpse reeks strongly
The one that never dies
Whose wounds were played in the darkness

Sensual death,
The downfall which with a watchful eye
I saw never again
I am repulsed by the rot that sleazes through my senses
Amid the room given to me like a grave, and the glass
To watch my reflection in it
Or end my life with the smithereens!

I knit a wreath for the vixen
Who was suffocating next to the shaft,
Tearing the grid with her teeth,
Who was breaking the joists,
Eating sonnets,
She rode the Lion’s gate
In a dress with a décolletage
Cut with her sword and enflamed with her pyre
The heads of the five Mycenaean bulls
Drank the blood of the horse from the silver chalice,
Tasseled in rosettes, with a light sword
I dug two pits
For two rings, of gold and of bronze.

For the beast that leaves the cup of wormwood
At the tip of the hands
For the beast
With a merciful heart of the venomous fungus

Like you (who are a) corpse
Like you, scorpion, who are
While unease ripens in the fog
Lulled inside the years
A bloodied sun comes out in the west

Throw me to the pigs!

Verily
In the circle of graves?
Verily
In the tomb of Atreus?
Verily
In the sea bed of Aegean full of blood.

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